


this is how I see you

by timeladyleo



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-17 01:58:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16965558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeladyleo/pseuds/timeladyleo
Summary: The Doctor takes her friends to a world of Christmas trees, but all she can think about is when she and River visited, years ago.





	this is how I see you

Planet of the Sugar Plum fairies, that’s what River had said. All those years ago, when they’d come here to make it feel like Christmas. Pine trees stretched as far as you could see, and further until they stretched over the edge of the world. And the snow was the type that landed softly and when you looked at your hands you could see the crystal shapes for a second, clear and mathematical until they melted away forever. You could never quite duplicate a snowflake. You just had to treasure them while they were still there. 

The snow was deep, climbing up the trunks of the trees. The Doctor couldn’t feel her ankles. She should have put on longer trousers, really. River would have told her that. River would have told her off for that, probably. 

Behind her, way back where they’d left the Tardis, she could hear the murmurings of the conversation of her team. They were probably still marvelling over the Tree Flies, a native species to this planet with a rainbow bioluminescence which always made everything look both magical and festive. Natural grown ornaments. Fairies, River had said. River had been so enchanted by them. The Doctor could still see her face, lit up in yellow and green, radiant from happiness. 

The Doctor had made some weak claim about going to investigate a signal she’d picked up. She had buzzed the sonic for dramatic effect. So, she figured it was only a matter of time before they realised that she had ulterior motives and followed her. The snow would make that so easy, too. Not to worry, she knew where she was going. She would know with her eyes shut, except with her eyes shut she’d be even more tempted to swirl around in the snow, matching the footsteps she had trodden once, years ago, dancing and skipping. This was where River had thrown a snowball at her. And that was where River had tried to lure her into a waltz, but she had been built like a giraffe with a bow tie in those days, and they’d fallen over as their feet tangled. 

And they had laughed. The Doctor managed a thin-lipped smile at the echoes. How had so many years gone past?

The Doctor opened her eyes and her breath caught in her throat. It wasn’t anything particularly monumental, just a big old fallen tree with splinters holding the log to its stump. It lay across the diameter of the clearing, almost a perfect circle. The stars always shone above. River had humoured her that evening, letting her point out so many stars with a fact. They had sat on that log for so long, their cheeks burning red with cold but ignoring it because it was one of the rare nights that they had all to themselves. The Tree Flies had flitted about around them, making their own earthly constellations just for the couple sat in the snow. 

For once, there had been no interruption, no danger. Just them. And when, finally, they had gone back to the Tardis, River had had some… interesting ideas for how to warm up. 

After a moment of just standing, looking, thinking, the Doctor walked over to the log. She let her fingers run over the frozen bark, brushing some of the snow away. Then without thinking, she half jumped, half pushed herself up, shuffling around before finally lying back, letting her arms hang free. The snow tickled the back of her neck with cold. She breathed out to let a cloud obscure the stars for a second.

In her head, she could hear River pointing arbitrarily to a star, asking “What’s that one?” 

Aloud, she answered herself. “Locally, it’s called Sensegoy, but no-one really lives there any more, not since it started growing.” Her eyes drifted to the five or six Tree Flies that had gathered above her. To them, she said “It’s a red giant now, probably ate its own planet.” 

Almost as if they understood, the flies flashed red. This made the Doctor smile. She had to stop doing things like this. It was just making it harder to bear. She hadn’t told her new companions anything about River either. As far as they were concerned, the Doctor was just taking them around the universe sightseeing, with no realisation of the significance of the worlds they were going to. To them, it was just another day. To the Doctor, it was trying to hold onto ghosts that she knew she needed to let go.

The flies glowed pink, then green, then an angry blue. The Doctor sighed. “Yeah, I know. They’ll come looking when they get cold, and it’d take me ages to freeze to death. I’ll go back soon, promise.” The centre of the cluster turned lilac. With a groan, the Doctor said “No, don’t tell ‘em. Please. Just let me have these few minutes.”

In her hearts, she knew River would agree with the flies and tell her she was being ridiculous. But River wasn’t there and so she would lie on this frozen log slowly freezing to death for as long as she liked. River not being there was the whole problem, anyway. If she concentrated hard enough, she could feel the ghost of arms around her. Warm arms, and a scarf. They had been so much better dressed on that night. 

“You’ll catch your death out here, my love.” The Doctor’s eyes snapped open as she heard River’s voice. She could have sworn it was River’s voice. 

“River?” she whispered, propping herself up on her elbows to look around. 

“What are you doing, Doc? You’ll catch your death!” Graham was walking towards her. She sat up more fully, snow falling from her hair down her back. She shivered. 

“Hi, gang,” she said meekly as Ryan and Yaz followed. “Nice night, isn’t it?” 

“Doctor, we were worried,” said Yaz. 

“You can’t just go wandering off like that,” said Ryan. Graham nodded at them both. Part of the Doctor wanted to snap at them, to tell them that she could do whatever she wanted, and she didn’t need the permission of humans to do anything. Why were they judging her anyway? If she wanted to lie in the snow, she would, and it was no business of theirs. But what would River say if she saw her shouting at her friends for no reason? 

“I’m sorry. I just got distracted, that’s all. Nothing to worry about.” She plastered on a fake smile and hopped down off the log. Both of her hearts were aching. The Tree Flies around her were a dark green of disbelief and she was just glad that her friends couldn’t understand them. 

Before they could ask any questions, the Doctor pushed through her friends and set off in the direction of the Tardis. “Come on! Let’s get the picnic chairs and watch the meteor shower!” 

“Meteors? Like, rocks falling in the sky?” 

“Only little ones, Graham! Shooting stars, as humans call them.” Thank goodness they hadn’t dug any deeper into what she had been doing. So as to not to listen to them, she strode on ahead, putting herself at a distance that was acceptably out of earshot. That would also hide her shaking hands from them. Her fingers had gone numb. 

True to her word, she dug the chairs out of one of the Tardis’s cupboards, the one that acted more like a shed, then found a bigger coat and set out the chairs in a circle. She answered a few easy questions about the planet, and about meteors and other astronomical events, ones that required hardly any thought. This meant her mouth and her brain could operate on different levels so even though she was still talking, all she was thinking about was River. A another rock burned up overhead, the childish notion of making a wish crossed her mind. If that idea was occurring to her then things really must have been getting desperate. Wishing was the act of a madman. Then again, wasn't that all she was? 

They had watched the meteors too, she and River, when the night had been theirs. This planet had a shower every day, more or less. But she and River had seen the Ollivid shower, otherwise known as one of the universe’s top ten meteor events. Streaks of light, bright and fast had shot over the sky. And the Doctor had held her wife’s hand and they had watched together, holding each other close before they too faded and fell back down to Earth.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr at [sircarolyn](http://sircarolyn.tumblr.com)!


End file.
